Pittsburgh's Language

“They call Pittsburgh the Galapagos Islands of American dialects…” – David Conrad, actor, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

I read this quote recently on this hilarious book I picked up at the library last weekend: The Three Little Pigsburghers by Joe Wos.  A truer quote I’ve never read. Only evolution could come up with something as convoluted as ‘”Pittsburghese”.

I’ve lived in lots of places. I’m quite fluent in Texan, Southern and Bostonian as well as have a working knowledge of Mid-Western, New Yorker and Minnesotan. But Pittsburghese? It’s hard to describe. Something like a mixture of Bostonian, Mid-Western and…well, I’ve no clue. Honestly, they invent words that have no pronunciation relation to their synonyms at all. Making learning this “dialect” quite difficult.

The truth is, I can’t speak Pittsburghese. I was trying to read this hilarious book book to Emry on the way home from the library and slaughtering the story terribly. Ed was laughing uproariously, correcting my awful pronunciations and interpreting what I didn’t understand. Meanwhile, my attempt was only growing worse because attempting to pronounce “dahn”, and “aht”, and “bawdles” was only bringing out my Southern drawl (which has no relation to Pittsburghese at all).

Thankfully, the native Pittsburgh author included a glossary of words and terms in the back of the book. I will share a few of my favorite:

Shire (shower): A bathing area in which water is sprayed from a perforated nozzle allowing one to “worsh” up. (And I thought it was where the Hobbits lived…)

Maculate Reception (The Immaculate Reception): The most important event in human history. Seriously, I am not defining that. If you don’t know what that is, how did you get through history class? (And for those of us who are not Pittsburghers and don’t follow the Steelers, we’re just uneducated…)

Parking Chair (chair): A chair instilled with magical properties. When placed properly, it emanates a powerful force field which reserves a parking spot. (A chair is placed in a parking space once you either shovel it clear of snow or move your car in order to reserve your clear space. Very important in Pittsburgh when 50% of the population parks on a street.)