Raising a "Yinzer"

Recently I came across an article about how to properly raise a young “Yinzer” (aka: “Pittsburgher”). Since I guess I am reluctantly doing so, I thought I would give the article a good read. But before I get into my newest lessons in parenting, let me make perfectly clear two things:

1.     The meaning of “Yinzer”: It is a plural derived from first “You ones” to “Yuinzs” and so to “Yinzs”. Honestly, Pittsburghers, “Y’all” makes so much more sense…

2.     Clarification on the fact that I am not strictly raising a “Yinzer”. Since Ed is 100% Pittsburgher and since Emry was also born in Pittsburgh, I will say that she is 60% “Yinzer”. But since I am 0% Pittsburgher, there are certain things Emry MUST know. For instance, she has Southern roots and if the South ever does rise again, we are packing our bags and moving there ASAP. Secondly, New England is better than Pennsylvania any day.

So, that being said, let me share with you how a Pittsburgher is to be raised.

First, Pittsburgh has the best baseball team, football team and hockey team in the entire USA (if not world). That could be highly debatable since the Pirates haven’t won a World Series in my lifetime, although 2009 was a good year for the city with the Steelers winning the Super Bowl and the Penguins the Stanley Cup. And, granted, they do make things simple – every team has the same colors of black and gold. However, being Southern, who needs pro? College ball is 100 times better and Pittsburgh doesn’t have a candle to light in that arena. Emry can wear black and gold all she wants, but we will know how to say with passion: “Go Navy! Beat Army!”, “Go Big Orange!” and – as long as they’re not playing Tennessee – “Roll, Tide, Roll!”

Second, there are certain famous Pittsburghers Emry must know. I think we’re going to be okay with Mr. Rogers. I even know who Roberto Clemente was now. But go any further than that…well, I need a history lesson first. I don’t know who Mario Lemieux, Vic Clanca, the Rooneys, August Wilson or Teenie Harris are/were. I do know about Frick and Carnegie, but I’m a little rusty on the facts (no pun intended).

Third, I haven’t seen any of Pittsburgh’s museums, so I guess Emry and I will get those lessons together. I’m okay with the History Museum (well…if we see any blue clad Yankees, we’re going to give the Rebel cry in protest of history written wrongly), the Carnegie Science Museum and Natural History museum. But we’re going to entirely skip Andy Warhol. Emry understanding that he was a nut is sufficient.

Fourthly, proper driving/parking techniques. I’ve already made it quite clear that if we’re still here when Emry learns to drive, Ed is teaching her. This city makes no sense to drive in. Apparently, they have what is called a “Pittsburgh Left” which I think is the same as a “Massachusetts Left”. I’ve seen people in Massachusetts use it…I haven’t seen anyone in Pittsburgh try. But I do understand the importance of a parking chair. Emry will understand to never, ever touch one that doesn’t belong to her.

Fifth, she must know the proper way to twirl a Terrible Towel. She’s got that well in hand already – “Yinzers” must be born knowing that.

Sixth, I guess the foliage around here is wonderful to behold. I haven’t found it very impressive. We’re going to New England to see REAL autumn colors.

Seven, she must know that this city lived and died on one commodity alone: steel. Her ancestors worked in steel mills, the dirt and grime of them can still be seen on old buildings and that industry’s collapse left an entire city to die with it. Truly, it’s a history to be proud of. In many ways, I think the current Pittsburgh “renaissance” has ruined it.

Eight, “scratch-my-back-with-a-hacksaw” is apparently more than some silly inside joke Papa and Uncle David share. I’m not sure what, but it just might prove what an odd place this city is.

Nine, anything can be celebrated with fireworks. We haven’t yet been to First Night, but she has seen them on the 4^th. Honestly, if you have rivers like this city, you ought to have fireworks. My favorite display as a kid was in Jacksonville, Florida – right along the river. You can’t beat that.

Ten, there are quite a few things not in the article I read that I think are important. Such as proper language. I protest the nasally Pittsburgh accent. We don’t say “slippy”, “dahntahn” or “yinz”. Slippery, downtown (with a proper drawl on the vowels) and y’all will do. But I don’t mind “nebby” or “you can’t get there from here”. The first is just a perfect description of being a nosy neighbor while the second is so completely true in this city.

Also, there are unique things to know like what a Pittsburgh pottie is, or that the people in the South Hills despise the people in the North Hills and I would bet my life savings that there are old people from either side that have never been to the “other side”, or the names of the three rivers and which is which (I’m still getting them mixed up), or how many ridiculous taxes they nickel and dime you with, or coming through the Liberty Tunnel at night and seeing that city suddenly spread out before you. I’m not a fan of Pittsburgh and probably never will be, but that is one sight I could behold over and over again.