The Dream Job

Non-Negotiable Qualifications:

1. Absolutely (upon point of being fired immediately) never, ever, ever smile.

2. Treat the customer as you would the neighbor’s dog that barked all night and kept you awake.

3. No computer skills required. Not even the ability to change your password.

4. Take your time. Time (neither yours nor the customer’s) has any value. Keep the customer waiting in the waiting area. Keep them waiting while you serve them. Keep them waiting all day if necessary.

5. If, after waiting for over an hour, the customer called upon needs a service you are unable to meet, inform them that the area they want is on the other side of the room. And never, ever, ever forget to remind them to take yet another number and wait until called.

6. Never be helpful. If asked a question by the customer, be as unclear in your answer as possible. If they ask for clarification, be not only as unclear as before but also be exceptionally rude. Make it thoroughly clear that customers should never ask questions.

7. Even if the customer brings to your desk every important piece of paper ever issued to them in their lifetime (birth certificate, visa, passport, etc.) and all of them are in order, if you think what they are trying to achieve is wrong do not allow them to achieve their goal. Throw up as many roadblocks as possible. Send them away to get the one article they didn’t even know existed. Do this especially if they show any indication of being 1) raised south of the Mason Dixon, 2) friendly and polite and 3) a Republican.

8. If the customer should show even the slightest hint of actually being knowledgeable, pretend they weren’t talking to you. Always act superior. (For example, you know one’s middle name shows up on a W-2 even though that’s a complete untruth and the customer says so.) After all, the customer is never right.

9. When in doubt about anything, frown more. Speak in rude and condescending tones. Go about your tasks even more slowly than before. The number one rule in our office is: NEVER LET THE CUSTOMER LEAVE WITH A SENSE OF SATISFACTION AND ACCOMPLISHMENT. ALL CUSTOMERS MUST LEAVE WITH THEIR TAIL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS IN SHAME FOR EVEN HAVING COME TO THE ONLY PLACE IN THE COUNTY WHERE THEIR BUSINESS CAN BE ACHIEVED.

If you can happily (with a frown) meet all these qualifications, you are invited to join the ill-mannered workforce of the Pennsylvania DMV, your generous paycheck provide by the taxpayer (a.k.a.: the customer).

(What a way to start a week – renewing a driver’s license! It’s enough to ruin the rest of your year and wish you never, ever, ever learned to drive…)