41

In just the last week there have been two separate occasions when something was brought up and I was reminded that I had not done that or read that in…well, decades. A word that brought me up short as I suddenly realized I have hit an age when I can use that word and it’s the complete truth. It was sobering thought.

 

Last year I turned 40, and for all intents and purposes, I didn’t really feel it. Today I turned 41. And I feel it.

 

Mostly because I live on about five hours a broken sleep a night. Ellyson refuses to sleep through the night 90% of the time. On rare occasions, she’ll cry herself back to sleep. But more often than not, she wakes up Ethan who will then start crying. In order to avoid two crying kids, I get up to comfort her. I’m not sure that’s good mothering or not. Right now I just feel like it’s survival.

 

So, I think I always look tired and worn out. I know I have more grey hairs than a year ago. (After 2020 we all do, right?) And while I try to exercise at least three days a week, it seems to be doing little good as far loosing the last several baby weight pounds. I guess I can vainly comfort myself with the “nine months on, nine months off” mantra. Ellyson’s not nine months yet.

 

But at least Ethan raised my spirits the other day. He got to thinking and talking about when he grows up and has kids. I told him I’d be happy about that because then I could be a grandmother. A puzzling look came to his face as he tried to connect what he knows of his own grandmother to me. Finally he concluded with a nod and disclaimer, “Only when you have lots of grey hair, Mama.”

 

I have a sneaky suspicion I’ll have lots of grey hair before I become a grandmother, but it’s comforting to know I’m not quite there yet.

All in all, turning 41 hasn’t been that bad. Ed and I got to enjoy dinner at a restaurant with no kids. Wow – one really can sit down and eat a whole meal without getting up twenty times, not hearing any complaints, and sharing half your food with someone under four feet tall. And while I didn’t get what I really wanted for my birthday (sleep!!!!!), at least I’m another year closer to yet another mantra: “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”