Texas Thankfulness #6

So, yes, Texas has been difficult in a lot of ways. I knew it would be...and so the decision to come wasn't easy, either. But it was made easier by one thing:

Grandpa. I only have one. Well, that's not true really, but I never knew my maternal grandfather who died before I was born. So, Grandpa is it. And I couldn't ask for a better one.

It's funny, but as a little girl your grandfather is just "Grandpa". The little man who makes gingerbread houses with you at Christmas, and sits in his chair with his little dogs, and eats gummy bears. But then you grow up and realize Grandpa was once young. He had a job. And he sure does look like Dad!

Most importantly, Grandpa loves me and wants to help me in my life. So, he let me move in with him when I moved down. I helped him keep up his house, made huge messes in his kitchen as I filled his freezer with all kinds of things to eat, and even helped him plant flowers (even though he knows I can't stand gardening). We'd watch movies together, and chat some evenings, and exchange news about other family members. I got to know my grandfather in ways I never had, and I am so glad for those days in his house.

I am very blessed to have a wonderful grandfather who is interested in my life and his other grandkids, who let me live with him for fourteen months and who I know will be there if I ever need him. He makes Texas just a little bit better.

And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives." Hebrews 12:5-6 (ESV)

I read this verse the other night in my devotions and it has stuck with me over the past several days. Perhaps because moments of my life contain really stupid episodes...after which I wish God would just reach down from Heaven with a big paddle and whack me one. I would feel much better!

The KJV of this verse reads instead of discipline "chastisement". And the Lord does chastise those He loves. He does it for our own good, just as our loving parents spanked us when we were kids for doing things we should not. I am glad of His chastisement - I am also glad of His discipline.

We often think chastisement and discipline are the same. They go hand in hand, but they are not the same. Chastisement is used to teach us discipline. And that discipline should then keep us from further chastisement. For when my parents spanked, or punished me in other ways, for wrongdoing in my childhood it was so I might live a good and orderly life when I was grown and no longer under their personal care. The chastisement was so I might have discipline.

Which is why doing stupid things as an adult makes me want to bang my head against a wall. "Melissa, you know better than this!" I scold myself after an angry outburst, a pity-party, a cruel thought. "Your parents taught you better." And they have. I will be forever grateful to my parents for the time, energy and love they put into raising me in the way of righteousness. I just wish I didn't fall so short.

It is the same way with my God. I have been reading over all the blogs I ever posted - five years of my life on paper. And it is amazing the twists and turns I've been through, the lessons God has taught me, and the trials I have - and have yet to - overcome. As I look back even further than that, I see my God's disciplining hand forever on me. It is usually in the form of, "No, Melissa, not that way. This way." Sometimes I feel like I've missed out on so many experiences other people have, but then I am grateful the avoid things that won't do me any good anyhow. God's hand pushing, prodding and sometimes just grabbing me by the collar. Forever setting my feet on the straight and narrow. So that I might walk in the way of righteousness.

Discipline is good. It include character, and integrity, and doing right not just for yourself but for others. It isn't easy. Sometimes its downright exhausting. But it is a reminder of being truly loved. Of being a child of the King.

Texas Thankfulness #5

Revelation. I'm not talking about the mysterious John saw on the Isle of Patmos or the odd creatures the prophet Ezekiel witnessed. But on a much smaller scale, we all have "revelations". I had one a little over a week ago...

There are three things my heart desires above all else: returning to New England, being a published writer, and becoming a wife and mother. But I also know that my heart "is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked". So, I try my best not to follow it - instead looking to my God who gives me "the desires of my heart". And I have found over the years that my heart and my desires are odd things. Sometimes I don't even know them.

I'm not saying I don't want to ultimately be a wife and mother...even though I've been told many times over the past year that my biological clock is ticking. I cry when I read about Hannah and her longing for children (and always adding in my head, "Well, at least she had a husband - the first step!") I shake my head at women who would rather work than be with their kids, or say they don't want them, or they're a nuisance. Don't they know the greatest calling of being a woman is to be a wife and mother? And it is heartbreaking to think I could never have either? Because it is - on both counts.

But I made an amazing discovery just over a week ago. I said something I never thought I would say: "I am happy single." And I meant it. Because suddenly realized what having a relationship with some guy and then marrying him would actually mean. I'd have to give up somethings: tennis, hours spent with girlfriends, writer's group, crashing on Fridays after work. (I don't mean all of it, but I suspect he will want some of my spare time, of which I have none right now which means something will have to go.) And then, once we're married, I don't suppose he'll particularly like me dashing off to whatever, whenever with whomever. But that's the way I live right now and I like it.

Now I know that falling in love and getting married isn't all flowers and daydreams, but did you know its actually terrifying? And if I hadn't moved to Texas, I probably wouldn't have learned that. But now that I know, I'm ready to be single somewhere else...like in New England.

Texas Thankfulness #4

Right not it's really hard to be thankful about this state I find myself in. For it is October. But, as usual, Texas does its own thing and that right proudly. For it has been well over 80 - even 90 - degrees almost every day. When I leave for work around 7:15, it is already near 70. My sweaters and beautiful autumn clothing laugh at me every morning. And some idiot on the radio advertising "just as the leaves are falling so are our prices" didn't look outside his window to see that there are NO leaves falling...they are all still green. And we won't even bring up apples - the ones they sell down here look like wax and taste about as good. So I write this with tears in my eyes and a painful ache in my heart. For words cannot express how much I want to see color, watch autumn rains tumble from a grey sky, feel the tinge of frost in the morning air, and anticipate the coming of winter...

But, my God is bigger than this state. You've heard the jokes about Texas. Everything here is bigger. Bigger sky, bigger plains, bigger grasshoppers. I'll give them the grasshoppers, but Texans have bigger imaginations or are outright bigger liars if they think everything in this state is bigger. For Colorado has bigger mountains. Half the states in the US have bigger trees. New Hampshire has a bigger state Congress. And New York has bigger sky scrapers. And bigger than all this is my God who created it all.

Perhaps you have also heard Texans joke that God has especially blessed them and their wondrous state. Some who claim this are sincerely joking, but I truly think others believe it. For some reason unknown to mankind, God has a special place in His heart for Texans and their state. It's like they read the Bible and replace the word "Texas" every time they see "Israel". (And then they skip over the parts where God rains hell and brimstone down on Israel for their disobedience...sort of like Israel did.) I hate to break it to them, but God is bigger than their pride. If they imagine that.

God is so big and so wondrous, mankind cannot begin to comprehend Him. Or even imagine Him. All we can maintain is a taste of Him. A sample of His grace, His mercy, His wrath, His might, His love, His patience, His holiness. There is so much about my God I have not come to grasp in my 30 years of existence...and I never shall. But I know this: by His grace I come through every day in Texas. He dries my tears, gives me reasons to laugh, soothes the aches in my heart. He gives me a place to live, safety on the road, work to do, friends to be with. And, yes, He scolds me when I get out of hand - again.

For I am more like the real Israelites - not the blessed ones Texans think themselves to be. I am the one wandering through the desert griping, forgetting that if I would just look up I would see God in all His glory leading me every step of the way. There is a Promised Land on the other end of this journey. I keep praying and hoping it will be New England for the remainder of my life on earth...but even the beautiful Northeast is a wilderness.

A wilderness that leads to a glorious home in Heaven with my God - who is bigger than Texas.

This weekend I called Allyson. As I can no longer spend Thursday afternoons in her living room, this is the only way we communicate. It isn't nearly as nice as her home, but it works until I see her again.

We were not on the phone thirty seconds before I could hear some shouting in the background and Allyson excused herself for a moment. When she returned, she told me Silas was on the kitchen table. Silas is her youngest (until April) and turned one last month. He does not yet walk or stand for a long time by himself. But this past week he learned to maneuver the chairs around the kitchen table so he can crawl up into the chair and then onto the table. A little boy after my own heart - I was forever climbing as a kid.

Then I got to talk to Violet and Seth. Violet thanked me for the book I had sent her for her birthday a couple of weeks ago. She told me quite proudly she is now five. I asked if she were coloring pictures that afternoon. Of course she was. She told me she was coloring one she received for her birthday. It was of a little girl eating popcorn. She gave the girl a purple shirt with a red jumper. Every picture Violet colors must have the color purple in it.

Seth is two years old and loves to chatter. So, he first told me he was two. Then he told me some story about digging, and digging, and digging in the dirt and leaves. Then he chased some birds. The story ended with a dog on a skateboard. Somehow I missed the middle of the story...

Allyson and I caught up with each others lives. I always find hers much more interesting, for the kids are always up to something. Then we talk about the things the Lord has been teaching us or the lessons He often reminds us of. I hang up an hour later, my joy of talking with Allyson tinged with a bit of sadness as I think of all the afternoons I miss sitting in Allyson's living room, reading and playing with the kids, and just enjoying a day spent with my wonderful friend.

But until I book my next flight to New Hampshire, or the Lord opens up a door to return for good; the telephone works. And I am thankful for it.