Texas Thankfulness #5

Revelation. I'm not talking about the mysterious John saw on the Isle of Patmos or the odd creatures the prophet Ezekiel witnessed. But on a much smaller scale, we all have "revelations". I had one a little over a week ago...

There are three things my heart desires above all else: returning to New England, being a published writer, and becoming a wife and mother. But I also know that my heart "is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked". So, I try my best not to follow it - instead looking to my God who gives me "the desires of my heart". And I have found over the years that my heart and my desires are odd things. Sometimes I don't even know them.

I'm not saying I don't want to ultimately be a wife and mother...even though I've been told many times over the past year that my biological clock is ticking. I cry when I read about Hannah and her longing for children (and always adding in my head, "Well, at least she had a husband - the first step!") I shake my head at women who would rather work than be with their kids, or say they don't want them, or they're a nuisance. Don't they know the greatest calling of being a woman is to be a wife and mother? And it is heartbreaking to think I could never have either? Because it is - on both counts.

But I made an amazing discovery just over a week ago. I said something I never thought I would say: "I am happy single." And I meant it. Because suddenly realized what having a relationship with some guy and then marrying him would actually mean. I'd have to give up somethings: tennis, hours spent with girlfriends, writer's group, crashing on Fridays after work. (I don't mean all of it, but I suspect he will want some of my spare time, of which I have none right now which means something will have to go.) And then, once we're married, I don't suppose he'll particularly like me dashing off to whatever, whenever with whomever. But that's the way I live right now and I like it.

Now I know that falling in love and getting married isn't all flowers and daydreams, but did you know its actually terrifying? And if I hadn't moved to Texas, I probably wouldn't have learned that. But now that I know, I'm ready to be single somewhere else...like in New England.