Sibling Conflict

This past week, Ed and I started working through a short five-session online course on Sibling Conflict. We’re working our way through it with one of our pastors and his wife, discussing what we have learned one night a week via Zoom. Since I’m much more the type to read a book and have a face-to-face discussion, it’s not exactly how I would prefer to spend my time. But right now, beggars can’t be choosers.

The time we live in aside, when our pastor mentioned this course I was interested because having number three has really made me wonder what the dynamics in our household are going to be over the next several months…years….decades. After three years with just Emry and Ethan, we’ve settled into how the two of them interact. But throw in a third wheel, well… Besides, looking back, I feel like the conflicts I had with my siblings weren’t always well handled. I don’t fault my parents for this entirely. My mom had a lot on her plate with just managing to get the eight of us to adulthood. My dad’s theory was always rather military like: give an order and expect the “troops” to obey. (I rather wish that worked.) And me? Well, I was the firstborn. Surely that made me right all the time…or so I usually thought.

Emry and Ethan are not too young to have conflict. They never have been. But they are still young enough that everything in the course is not yet usable. However, it has been a great opportunity to sit back and evaluate how we are handling the conflict that arises. And how to handle it better.

Ed lacks an understanding of sibling conflict. In many ways, I may as well have married an only child who has no concept of a sibling at all. His one sibling is a brother born when he was eight years old. By that time, he was in school all day and out playing in the neighborhood all evening and weekends. His brother was a nuisance and not much else. So, when Ethan and Emry go at it, he ends up like a bull in a china shop trying to handle it, shaking his head in wonder that they can get so irritated at each other. I, at least, know that sibling conflict is simply a fact of life. It’s going to happen, probably more than once a day and, depending on what the conflict is, needs to be ignored or dealt with. And as long as I’m having a decently good day, I can usually be pretty calm about it. But sometimes…

The truth is, this course has allowed me to step by and really think about my kids. Which is what I really wanted. Because I feel like a better understanding of Emry and Ethan will help smooth the path as I get to know #3 and how he or she will fit into the picture. Because I worry about that. Emry, I think, will handle it well enough. (Although I am a little concerned how she will react if the longed for sister ends up being a not-so-desirable second brother.) I do know she’ll be disappointed that helping with a baby is not everything she imagines it to be, but she’s pretty easy-going about most things. But stepping back and reflecting on how she deals with conflict has also made me realize that I need to make a pointed effort to spend time with her. For while she can be as fiercely independent as her mother, when she’s troubled she really wants to know someone loves her and is there for her. 

Ethan, I’ve come to realize, is easier to handle during conflict. I can pick him up, set him on his bed, tell him to stay there until he has calmed down, and he’ll rush from the room as happy as a clam thirty seconds later because the idea of being left alone in his room is the most horrible thing anyone could do to him. So, he’ll change his attitude quick if it means he can come out. Because of this, I tend to put more blame on him when he goes at it with Emry. Certainly, seven out of ten times, he is at the center of the conflict. I think he knew before he left the hospital how to push her buttons and, like any brother, loves to push away. But I need to be careful not to always grab him first simply because he’s easier to deal with. Because I’m pretty sure his world is about to turn itself upside down and he’s not going to know what to do once this new sibling arrives. It’s one thing to admire the babies in our small group at church, but they don’t live with us or require most of my attention. Truly, I don’t know how Ethan is going to react when the baby actually exists in his world.

And number three? Well, I’m not sure I have enough energy for this one. Even Ed will tell you that neither Emry nor Ethan moved about as much as this one does. It wakes me up at night, practicing as it does to be the youngest contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Many days I feel like I spent an hour doing crunches which has left me sore and ready to hit anyone who dares to touch my bruised mid-section. Despite what experts will tell you on infants at this stage getting into regular sleep patterns, I’m pretty sure this one hardly sleeps at all. And while that doesn’t bode well for once he or she arrives, I’m truly hoping for an early (albeit safe) arrival. Anything to be less bruised…and able to lay some ground rules on a schedule. What this one does as far as sibling conflict goes, we’ll just handle that as it comes.