I wouldn't call myself a courageous person by a long shot. After all, I haven't a great deal to be courageous about. My world is very small. The enemies I may have are like the enemies everyone has: people that simply don't like you for whatever reason. I don't live in a country where I am persecuted for my faith - yet. Nor do I live in a place where I could be harassed for casting a vote of conscience - again,yet. But it is amazing what it can take courage to do.
I was talking to a friend this week about some fears that I have. Most of my fears relate to not doing what I should be doing. Last week it seemed like every other person told me how gifted I am at my job. Which led me to wonder if I'm so "gifted" is being between four walls of an office behind a computer shuffling papers what I'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my living days? Give up dreams and hopes of being a wife, having children, writing books...After all, I don't measure up by half to the Proverbs 31 woman. If I married, would the guy end up hating my guts for making his life miserable? If I had children, I could make enough mistakes to ruin their very souls. And writing? Well, I've yet to be convinced I'm any good at that in spite of what some people have said. I'd be much safer between my four walls behind a computer shuffling papers. At the most, I could hope to find four walls, a computer and some papers in a place where there are mountains a beautiful season called winter. For if that's the gift God gave me, would I be wrong to leave that for what I would love to have instead?
My friend quoted Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." Yeah, yeah. I've known those verse for thirty years. I don't need them quoted to me.
But later I got to thinking about them...and about what I consider one of the biggest failures of my life. I've always felt that failure had to do with my lack of courage. I was afraid to stand my ground simply because I didn't want to loose something I held very dear. So, I kept my mouth shut...and lost it anyway. Since the outcome was the same, the least I could have done was said something, right? Yeah...if I had had an ounce of courage.
Courage isn't the absence of fear. If you had no fear, you wouldn't need any courage. I suppose, like most people, my greatest fear is the unknown. I want change. I hate feeling trapped in an office and cry at the idea that I could be trapped in one til the day I die instead of having children in my life, and living somewhere beautiful, and maybe writing a book or two worth publishing. But if I actually grasped the courage and stepped out on it, what would I loose in the process? And that is my own understanding. That's not trusting in the Lord, telling Him my desires and fears (even though He already knows them) and begging Him to fulfill them as only He knows how or turn them in the direction best for me. If I would do that, then "He shall direct my paths". No more feeling trapped, afraid to turn. It was then I realized that it takes courage to trust the Lord.
Thinking all this is just the tip of the iceberg. Truly trusting God with the way my life is as well as the desires of my heart is a work in progress - probably a lifetime work in progress. I just pray I will have the courage to trust just enough to see God's loving direction...and accept whatever that is.
No comments:
Post a Comment