2019: A Reflection

Emry has always attended service with us at church. Except for a few times, we’ve never put her in the nursery. Ethan, though, has been in the nursery quite a bit. He is much more antsy than Emry…and juggling two of them is sometimes more than I wished to handle! But in the past many months, Ethan has become sorely disappointed if he doesn’t come to service with us. So, unless Ed is on security duty, we take him. Which means I hear maybe 30% of the sermon. And retain even less. But last Sunday, I did hear the challenge question. What has God taught me in 2019?

At first (between putting stickers on paper with Ethan and trying to creatively draw with Emry), I couldn’t think of anything God has taught me in 2019. Except little things that are usually repeat lessons I can’t get through my thick skull. I left church wondering if 2019 had been more or less in vain. That God and I were completely out of touch (which sometimes seems to be so) and what I could do to change that.

Later that day, when things were a bit quiet thanks to naptime, I was able to think through 2019 with a more focused intent. And one very important lesson God has been teaching me came to mind: God’s timing is always perfect.

Last February when Ethan turned two, I began to live life in abject fear. The fear of getting pregnant again. After I had Emry, I asked the Lord to give me one year with her before I got pregnant again. Exactly one month after she turned one, I was pregnant. Overwhelmed with two kids and everything else life threw in our path, I asked God for two years with Ethan before number three might grace our lives. But Ethan turned two, and I couldn’t handle the thought of three. I had a friend pregnant with their third, and while I rejoiced with her, I would freeze in horror at the thought of myself having three. When a young woman in one of our small groups announced over the summer that (surprise!) they would be having number three, I secretly exulted that it was not me. Meanwhile, I could sense her fear of soon having three (in just over four years), and I empathized with her. I was sure if I became pregnant, I would sit down and cry for days.

As I have been approaching forty this past year, my body has been reminding me of my age and all the changes a woman gets to go through when she’s old. Changes that have proven to be painful and more emotional than I would have ever imagined. Much worse than when I was eleven and the whole thing started. Then I suffered a few cramps for a day. Now I cried for days with no reason and was sick for another few days, almost as if I was pregnant. So, when I got sick yet again but it didn’t go away and my period didn’t come…well, I took a test just to know for certain if I was pregnant or not going through yet another remind-me-how-old-I-am change in my body. I was a bit surprised to find I was pregnant. But I was also at peace.

When I told a good friend of mine I was expecting number three, she asked how I felt about it. I told her if she had asked me that just the month previous I would have probably cried with fear, and anger, and what-am-I-going-to-do angst.  But somewhere in that time, God had changed my heart. Not with any big episode or a sudden dawning of revelation, but simply changed it. Prepared me to willingly accept that number three is on his or her way. That he or she will dramatically change our lives, but that’s okay. Somehow we’ll make it work. Not without frustration and lots of other moments of conflict as well as joy, but God’s grace is sufficient. Somehow everything will fall into place, be provided for and come together. Because God’s timing is perfect, sovereign and good. Which is a lesson from 2019 I can take with me into 2020…and beyond.

Christmas!

Somehow, we made it to Christmas. And survived! From Ethan singeing his hair at the Christmas Eve candlelight service to a day at the Indy Children’s Museum (Uncle Caleb’s treat).  And everything in between…

 Emry and Uncle Caleb (aka: “Uncle Ca-Ca”)

Emry, Ethan and Beto opening their one present on Christmas Eve.

Emry got her longed for light up rose!

And half of Ethan’s gifts were Spider-Man themed…

Grandma and Emry playing one of our new games.

 A day at the Children’s Museum!

Christmas Dresses

I always remember loving Christmas and Easter because it meant new dresses for church. Not that we didn’t get dresses other times of the year, but those never seemed quite as nice. For Easter we got to pick out lovely spring prints for fancy summery dresses (even if it did snow more often than not on Easter in New England) and for Christmas, cozy warm colored dresses that may not have been as fancy but I always liked better. 

I have fond memories of many of my Christmas dresses. Most times they matched my sisters, although we all had some that were made solely for us and matched no one. At times, even my mom had a matching dress and my dad and brothers matching ties. One of my favorites even taught me an important life-long lesson I have never forgotten. Those days of getting a new outfit each Christmas are over (especially when one is pregnant), but I had a lot of fun looking back through pictures to find some of them:

 Christmas 1986 – the greyish blue corduroy that taught me a lesson.

Christmas 1990 – I loved the fabric, but I am glad big collars and dropped waists are no longer in style!

Now I have a little girl I can dress up, although her style is much fancier and sparklier than mine ever was! This year Emry’s first Christmas dress is actually store bought. She saw it on an outing with Grandma and fell in love with the sparkling red dress that certainly suits her style. So, Grandma bought it. But the second dress Grandma made and one day, I hope, Emry will think of the dress and all it entails. The top, a deep blue, is made from scraps of Christmas dresses my sisters and I had twenty years ago. The bottom, a silky white, is made from scraps from Aunt Grace’s wedding dress. A silver band completes the outfit and gives it the sparkle that is rarely absent from any of Emry’s outfits. Both dresses are very cute!

Sparkly red!

The dress Grandma made.

Hugging her brother.

And, just because, our handsome little man in his Christmas red sweater.

The Trial of Christmas

I was in my 20s before I meant anyone who didn’t celebrate Christmas. By then I knew that many of the customs and things we do around the holidays have roots in the pagan celebrations of winter. And, of course, I had known for a while that Jesus wasn’t actually born on December 25. Perhaps I felt a little sorry for the kids in those families who didn’t have the traditions my family enjoyed, although that didn’t stop them from joining in with our celebrations at church or our own home. Now I’m beginning to think the parents of those families were just a whole lot wiser than me…and avoided the headache Christmas can be for parents around the world.

Growing up I remember the excitement around the holidays. I even remember that Grace would get so worked up about it all she would usually have a least one spell of lying in bed with a migraine before it was all over. And I remember my mom once saying how grateful she was that Grace’s birthday was only two weeks after Christmas and it would all be over for the year. Back then I didn’t understand what she meant except that Grace was extra giddy and jumpy, but now I get it. Honestly, I think I am going to have to tie Emry up and put her in box stamped “Do no open until Christmas day” before this is all said and done. I don’t ever remember Christmas being so exhausting…or emotional.

Had Emry not been swinging from one end of the excited-beyond-reason to the other end of the greedy-everything-must-be-special spectrum I don’t believe we would have any trouble with Ethan. His excitement is always spur of the moment, overjoyed with whatever event occurred and then on to the next thing. Emry, though, has not gotten out of the boat of anticipation, often pulling Ethan in wit her, and we still have five more days to go before its all said and done. As far as she is concerned, the holidays mean that every moment of every day should be special, not run-of-the-mill school, chores, play, sleep, eat, survive. We need to be baking cookies, going somewhere, looking for the light up rose she’s longing for, decorating, crafting, shopping (usually for her) and reading special books. All of this equals discontent most days which, combined with the fact that she’s too caught up in everything to nap most afternoons, creates an emotional drama almost every night before bed. Ed has had it with her. I’m exhausted trying to figure out the best way to resolve these issues. And Ethan wanders about ignoring his sister’s emotional highs and lows (which may or may not make him a good husband someday).

All of this on top of trying to keep life normal, not feeling well any day of the week and still trying to make Christmas special has given me a somewhat Scrooge attitude. Most nights I collapse in my chair and can’t wait for Christmas to be over. However, the trial of it all has also brought me to daily remember why we celebrate Christmas to begin with, a reminder I then try to share with Emry and Ethan often during these days. Christmas is not about us, or gifts, or cookies, or all things special. It is about Jesus. Our Savior. The Prince of Peace.

My Three Kids

At their ages, very few days go by without one of them learning or doing something “new”. Whether it’s Ethan taking Ed literally (like when he said the cookies were “up there” referring to a table at the front of the gym at church, causing Ethan to look up at the ceiling and shake his head saying, “there aren’t any cookies up there”) to Emry deciding to brush and put up her own hair…right as we needed to walk out the door to go somewhere, of course. Never a dull moment.

Emry’s new things aren’t by leaps and bounds. I see her reading progressing, common words becoming familiar, frequent math problems easier to answer. Even her handwriting is becoming neater, although she often has a mind of her own when it comes to how letters should be written. Her imagination is forever growing. It’s fun to catch her playing with her toys, listening to whatever world she’s in. Or what games she is creating…and then telling Ethan exactly how to play them.

Lately Ethan has discovered coloring.  And finally shown which of his hands is more dominant. Although, if his right hand gets tired, he switches the color to his left hand and uses that one for a while. He’ll sit for at least half of Emry’s school time and color away in the few small coloring books he has, as content as can be. Already you can see his motor skills improving as he stays within the lines. Sometimes the pictures even have several colors instead of only blue.

Even number three seems to make his or her will known. When pregnant with the other two, I never had any particular aversions or cravings for this or that food. With this one, I don’t have any cravings, but I certainly have aversions. Spicy food is out. I don’t even want chips and salsa. And sugar makes me sick. Which is terrible during a time of year when I bake some of my favorite cookies but can only manage to eat a tiny piece at a time, eventually devouring a whole one over the course of a week. On the other hand, it does mean I haven’t gained any weight ,which is a surprise since I am very aware that I am showing. Instead, I live on bagels and cream cheese with fruit on top. It’s the only thing that never makes me sick and keeps the nausea at bay.

Happy 28^thBirthday, Jenny!

Christmas Baking

Cooking has become a chore. Mostly because eating is a chore. It’s not that I’m so sick I don’t want to eat. I just don’t feel like eating. However, not eating makes me even more sick. It’s a vicious circle.

So, baking was a chore this year. I had wanted to try a new Christmas cookie every year, eventually creating a list of four or five favorites that would become our family’s traditional cookies. A couple are ones I grew up with: Sandies and Spritz. I always loved the Reese Cup cookies, so that is an addition I’ve already added. And I lovegingerbread cookies, but I hate decorating. So, I found a gingerbread crinkle cookie recipe that is easy and really good. This year, those are the four I made with help from the kids as most of those are easy enough they can help somehow. And as I figured out pretty quickly that sugar is a sickness trigger for this pregnancy, that is all I made. I just couldn’t stomach baking more cookies I can’t eat anyhow.

To be completely honest, I find all the baking to be rather a chore. I enjoy baking – for a brief moment in time and then I would rather be doing something else. But by growing up baking every Christmas, I hope the kids will enjoy it and one day take on a majority of the work themselves. I just hope Ethan won’t make quite the mess he already makes. And that Emry won’t be quite so bossy. Both of which, I imagine, are rather vain hopes…

 Making Reese Cup cookies…

…and decorating Spritz.

Christmas Books

A tradition I started with Emry’s very first Christmas was reading a Christmas book every night before bed. I had several already. The rest we got at the library as I plowed through a list I had compiled in search of ones I would want to purchase and read each year. Five years later, that list hasn’t gotten any shorter…

I have found favorites to purchase, though, and I have a list of several more I may purchase in the future. But every year, I seem to find more that are really good. Eventually, as the kids gets older, some may be replaced as they grow out of Biscuit or even Fancy Nancy. But with another baby on the way…that may be a while. Besides, some are simply too wonderful to replace. Like Little Blue Truck’s Christmas. Ethan loves that one so much, we read it every day before he takes a nap. He’s even starting to quote it!

Always wanting to share my favorite children’s books, here are the ones we ready every year:

            A Very Merry Christmas Prayer

            The Christmas Story

            The Scallop Christmas

            Fancy Nancy: Splendiferous Christmas

            The Gingerbread Baby

            Brown Paper Teddy Bear

            Dear Santa Claus

            Meet Santa Bear

            The Legend of the Candy Cane

            Jingle Bells

God Gave us Christmas

            Merry Christmas, Amelia Bedelia

            Little Blue Truck’s Christmas

            The 12 Days of Christmas      

            Jacob’s Gift

            Apple Tree Christmas

            The Christmas Tree Ship

            Olaf’s Night Before Christmas

            Gingerbread Mouse

And ones I am considering to purchase, simply because they are really cute, or good, or simply fun:

            The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey

            Biscuit’s Christmas Eve

            Bear Stays up for Christmas

Getting Ready

We’re a bit early this year. Especially since Navy doesn’t play Army until this weekend. (An event of the year Ed simply cannot get into or understand how important it is.) But since Ed will likely be working every weekend until the week of Christmas, it was the only time we had. So, off we went to get a Christmas tree.

The kids were quite excited. Ethan especially. He was jumping up and down. The tree! The lights! The ornaments! The train! It was the event of the year as far as he was concerned, and I was lucky to get him down for a nap before we did the decorating. Emry was a bit more subdued, but how delighted she was about each ornament! If only she was a bit taller. Ed and I had to go back later and re-arrange our bottom heavy tree…

I’m a little behind on other decorating. I’m forever at a loss of where to put the stockings which are currently piled on top of the box containing my Christmas village I just haven’t had the energy to get put up. I usually love doing it, but being sick so often and always exhausted takes a toll on my creativity. I still have Christmas shopping to do, baking and just daily life to spread out as energy allows. Hopefully this week…hopefully!

Meanwhile, the house looks and feels festive, special Christmas toys strewn through my living room, the tree lights on as soon as they wake up in the morning and Ed’s train going as soon as he arrives home from work. The only question Ethan has is: where are the presents? Well, if I get my shopping done maybe I’ll actually get them wrapped before Christmas morning…or, at least, tagged!

Ethan as Santa…

…and Emry as Santa.

Decorating the tree!