2019: A Reflection

Emry has always attended service with us at church. Except for a few times, we’ve never put her in the nursery. Ethan, though, has been in the nursery quite a bit. He is much more antsy than Emry…and juggling two of them is sometimes more than I wished to handle! But in the past many months, Ethan has become sorely disappointed if he doesn’t come to service with us. So, unless Ed is on security duty, we take him. Which means I hear maybe 30% of the sermon. And retain even less. But last Sunday, I did hear the challenge question. What has God taught me in 2019?

At first (between putting stickers on paper with Ethan and trying to creatively draw with Emry), I couldn’t think of anything God has taught me in 2019. Except little things that are usually repeat lessons I can’t get through my thick skull. I left church wondering if 2019 had been more or less in vain. That God and I were completely out of touch (which sometimes seems to be so) and what I could do to change that.

Later that day, when things were a bit quiet thanks to naptime, I was able to think through 2019 with a more focused intent. And one very important lesson God has been teaching me came to mind: God’s timing is always perfect.

Last February when Ethan turned two, I began to live life in abject fear. The fear of getting pregnant again. After I had Emry, I asked the Lord to give me one year with her before I got pregnant again. Exactly one month after she turned one, I was pregnant. Overwhelmed with two kids and everything else life threw in our path, I asked God for two years with Ethan before number three might grace our lives. But Ethan turned two, and I couldn’t handle the thought of three. I had a friend pregnant with their third, and while I rejoiced with her, I would freeze in horror at the thought of myself having three. When a young woman in one of our small groups announced over the summer that (surprise!) they would be having number three, I secretly exulted that it was not me. Meanwhile, I could sense her fear of soon having three (in just over four years), and I empathized with her. I was sure if I became pregnant, I would sit down and cry for days.

As I have been approaching forty this past year, my body has been reminding me of my age and all the changes a woman gets to go through when she’s old. Changes that have proven to be painful and more emotional than I would have ever imagined. Much worse than when I was eleven and the whole thing started. Then I suffered a few cramps for a day. Now I cried for days with no reason and was sick for another few days, almost as if I was pregnant. So, when I got sick yet again but it didn’t go away and my period didn’t come…well, I took a test just to know for certain if I was pregnant or not going through yet another remind-me-how-old-I-am change in my body. I was a bit surprised to find I was pregnant. But I was also at peace.

When I told a good friend of mine I was expecting number three, she asked how I felt about it. I told her if she had asked me that just the month previous I would have probably cried with fear, and anger, and what-am-I-going-to-do angst.  But somewhere in that time, God had changed my heart. Not with any big episode or a sudden dawning of revelation, but simply changed it. Prepared me to willingly accept that number three is on his or her way. That he or she will dramatically change our lives, but that’s okay. Somehow we’ll make it work. Not without frustration and lots of other moments of conflict as well as joy, but God’s grace is sufficient. Somehow everything will fall into place, be provided for and come together. Because God’s timing is perfect, sovereign and good. Which is a lesson from 2019 I can take with me into 2020…and beyond.